I was in an unanticipated pause in my academic pursuit to accomplish a behavioral health science degree. One day, Sean McNabb, who has been my brother in Christ for several years, sent out a text message to share the vision of Broken Arrow Wranglers. I decided to show up to support my friend and the cause. Little did I know, that Broken Arrow Wranglers would become a support for me. I met Sean and his horse named Outlaw in the round pen one evening as he discussed the mission to share the special connection between people and horses. When I participated in the round pen activity for the first time that night, I noticed how Outlaw could read my internal sense and my external demeanor. This was my first horse experience. Outlaw noticed I was not confident internally in this space and that I was externally faking confidence. The mixed message made the connection between Outlaw and myself awkward at first. I chose to openly share with the group what I noticed as Outlaw was calling me out about the mixed message coming from me. I shared how often as a man; I learned to hide any lack of confidence and understanding. This is the worldly message I learned growing up. In that share, I became curious about the Broken Arrow Wranglers’ mission to support horses through their trauma as people address their own barriers.
Over the next few weeks, I began to pray over this experience and breaking through some internal barriers. I would go into nature for solitude with these prayers and an open heart. Then I noticed how God’s creatures in nature would become curious about me, and they started getting closer to me while I sat in their habitat. While I was sitting on the edge of the Mogollon Rim in northern Arizona, it dawned on me to research Equine Assisted Psychotherapy as my final project for my Capstone at Grand Canyon University. Mind you, I knew nothing about horses or this practice. So, I just started to show up to the round pen more to learn how to listen to Outlaw, which meant letting my guard down. As a survivor of complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD), letting my guard down was never easy with people, but Outlaw was patient, curious, and inviting. Over several weeks, I began my academic research on how Equine Assisted Psychotherapy can be used to support trauma survivors’ connection with themselves and others by breaking through the hyper-protective barriers that stem from trauma. The more I continued to work on this authentic connection with myself, Outlaw, and other participants at the round pen, I experienced something new. Most people know that nightmares are the norm for folks living with PTSD. That was my normal for most of my life, then one night after a round pen experience with Outlaw and a friend that I invited with me, I had the first peaceful loving dream I could ever recall in many years. I woke up that morning with joy and peace in my heart, rather than the normal exhausted feeling from tossing and turning from nightmares. I would continue my research on Equine Assisted Psychotherapy for my Capstone project and started connecting with others in the horse community, which taught me a lot about breaking through barriers and hang-ups that I would hide most of my life. I shared in new ways… Not only in what I speak… Not just in how I present externally… But how I show up inside and out. That unanticipated academic pause created a perfect time and space to grow in new ways. I have witnessed healing in myself and others over the past several months. I also completed my Capstone project with a near-perfect grade to graduate from GCU with honors in behavioral health science with an emphasis in trauma.
For anyone who feels disconnected due to internal barriers and hang-ups, I invite you to check out and hang with the Broken Arrow Wrangler herd and the folks who pour into these horses and people who authentically show up. You may notice something new inside and around you as we connect to our true authentic selves as we were intended to as God’s creation. As Outlaw and I continued to learn about each other, we began to connect in spirit, through song and play. We started having fun and communicating much more clearly with each other which was much different than my first night in the round pen. Horses seem to stay curious about people, and the more I connected with Outlaw the more I became curious about him and the herd collective.
-John Cuevas
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