I sit to write this, it feels I have to force myself to drop the constant judgment of perfectionism within me. So I write and let it be a mess.
Each day is a battle. Most start with invasive thoughts at 3am, a battle to focus on Jesus from that waking moment – and holding the shield of faith up against the arrows flung at me even in my sleep. Writing with those words for some reason draws my attention to the reader of this. YOU if you are reading these words. I am specifically drawn to the YOUs that hear the name Jesus and you feel nothing but rules, white robes and rooms of angels singing. No edge to life, no adventure…just monotony and everyone having to be the same…to follow some religious pattern or path. Puke. So when I say the name Jesus, I’m not talking about that Jesus. I’m talking about the one who rescues, that knows every single piece of me. Knows I’m exhausted, knows I’m beaten up, knows when I try to escape through some dopamine induced thought, or image, or fantasy world or even trying to escape from this pain and making nature my god. He knows what I love, he knows my deepest dreams and desires, and he knows how much pain I’m in. He is also the source of my provision, the way my bills are covered, my debts are paid, the food on the table for my family and the power that turns my lights on at home. He is the one who, somehow…beyond my comprehension, keeps me at peace in the middle of some of the craziest chaos, storms and beatdowns I have ever been through in my life. “I walk THROUGH the valley of the shadow of death” not around it. The real, in us and us in him, Jesus.
So…
The attacks come, I noticed they aren’t taking me out anymore. I can still feel the double-minded parts of me. Where I still strive, want worldly things, and want escapes. I admit I can’t do anything about those, drop the shame and tell others who will listen and not judge me. And somehow a power is activated, and I make it through. You have this happen enough you start to recognize this world isn’t what we thought it was.
So I turn from the world, and I start to live in a different place.
With Broken Arrow Wranglers, we currently had a man (good friend of mine… has been through similar battles within) who came alongside us and gave access to resources to create Broken Arrow Wranglers Foundation. This will allow us to go to other groups and secure funding and resources we were not able to secure before. It also solidifies a new component, or part of the body it seems. With this new foundation, we serve a different group than we have been focusing on. Keep reading…as the story lays itself out…
We have dedicated so much of our time and effort designing, building and guiding on our experiences and expeditions to make sure we were doing everything we could to meet people where they were at, and to have the resources available to heal and remain in an environment to continue to heal (the ranch…within us). I have recently heard this group of people (of which I am one of them) called the “beneficiaries.” The root of that word means enjoying favor, granted a privilege. Receiving a gift. NOW…as we continue to guide (and be guided as) beneficiaries…we also get to grow in how we set our sights on our CUSTOMERS. In business, quality is the extent to which you meet customer needs. Entire corporations and multi-billion dollar organizations design everything around this. Lean. Six Sigma…etc. I spent a career dedicated to this. We haven’t been serving our customers…we were serving the beneficiaries, and asking others to help. Granted, our customers are the ones who saw the value, bought in and dedicated their time, talent and treasure to this endeavor, all trusting in Jesus…whether people knew it or not.
In this journey, we have written and re-written our mission statement…probably over 100 times. It is very difficult to articulate something that is spiritual…in practical terms. The spiritual creates, drives and manifests the practical (read Ezekiel 47 if you don’t believe that and I pray you see it). So, if we simply say we are advancing the Kingdom of God (call it the ranch), by bringing (ehhh..sounds a little self-righteous) or guiding people to authentic life in Jesus…then we better be that ourselves. Be free. Following Jesus, as THE Outlaw to this world and it’s systems. Then attach some worldly expression of it as the faith medium (horses, outdoors and people/our community). Summarize it as…Our mission is to guide people to authentic life in Jesus through relational experiences with horses and the outdoors. Jesus is the Kingdom (Kingdom is among you, within you). Seems like too much to add the word “people” at the end. And the same fear comes up for me…that someone, who doesn’t know who we are…or doesn’t know the real Jesus, will see his name and bail because they think we are the same self-righteous, rule bearing, prison wardens that try to get you to swallow a pill and follow them. Can’t tell I’m still struggling with bitterness over this ha. (Forgive me Lord…seriously…I want to heal from this…forgive me as I was one of the worst of these). Well…I finally made a decision in my own life that just because someone else slandered or is slandering the name of Jesus (using his name in vain), doesn’t mean I can’t say his name, claim him as the source of everything…and not worry about who people think I am. I am also very aware of the injury this causes and ask God daily to help me live out a life that points to the way, the truth and the life. The real Jesus.
So, were registering our 501c3 as Broken Arrow Wranglers Foundation. Our mission is to guide people to authentic life in Jesus, through our relational experiences with horses and the outdoors.
See if that sticks. The spirit moves like a river…you can’t pin it down. Call it a day and let’s keep going.
If you made it through this – I admit I am a bit surprised. Ahh the battled mind working through injury, PTS and whatever else the docs wanna call it to call out in the wilderness “the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world.” For freedom he set us free.
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